How to Stay Married by Being the Other Woman

By Denice Choka

For Denice, the loss of her marriage, family, and home was devastating.
Nevertheless, nobody is more grateful than Denice that her losses started her on a path of self-improvement, life awareness, spiritual growth, and reconnecting with God. She talks about her personal five keys to a strong marriage. One of these “Five Cs” is maintaining Chemistry between a couple, something she wishes she’d heeded while still married.

Dear heart-filled friends,
Seven years ago, my husband of 13 years, our 9-year-old daughter and I were enjoying a relaxing weekend at home, when a stranger came to the door. My daughter and I answered the door, and the man asked to speak to my husband. I asked the man what this was regarding, and he said, “My wife.”

In shock, I whisked my daughter away from what I thought could become an ugly confrontation. While I knew my husband and I were in a rough patch, I was truly blindsided and had no idea that our marriage was in jeopardy. I was in it for life. For those of you who have experienced divorce, you know it is truly like a death.

Sparing all the sad details, needless to say, this was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I am not the first nor sadly the last to be divorced, even though marriage, family, and our family home were my foundation–my rock. I was shattered. Life changed from that day forward, bringing intense pain.

Love had a Hold on Me- for a While
Desperate to find love and create a new family, I felt I needed to find my “next husband.” In my mind’s eye, this meant that I needed to get in shape. After years of putting my job and family first, I had not taken the time to exercise. I was sure that for me to find a man, I needed to be physically attractive.

The universe presented Trainer Joe, and I was off to the races. Frantically trying to lose weight, I would spend one hour a day, sometimes two, working out six days a week. I would leave my daughter at home to go to the gym for I “knew” it would be best for her to have a new family.

Truly a fallacy. This is coming from a mother who didn’t go on vacation with her husband or friends without the children.

An Opening from God
About six months into my fitness journey, and six months after the knock on the door, I was working out with Trainer Joe, and he asked me, “Why are we still talking about your husband?” It hit me like a ton of bricks. How was I going to move forward and find my “next husband” to share this journey with if I was still living in the past? A simple question, but so profound. When I left the gym, I had an out-of-body experience.

I “saw” without “seeing,” and “felt” without “feeling” a massive eagle with large talons pull a net off my heart. I had never experienced anything like this before. It was transformational.

I genuinely believe this spiritual experience was a gift from God, opening me up to release the hold my heart still had on my husband, and to open my heart to love again.

As the quote from Alexander Graham Bell goes, “When one door closes, another opens but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

How true this is. The loss of my marriage, family, and home started me on a path of self-improvement, life awareness, spiritual growth, and reconnecting with God. I now truly believe my life purpose is to help mothers and wives navigate all that we have on our plate.

Yes, I Could Have been the Other Woman
During this time of healing, I have reflected on what I could have done differently to remain in a loving marriage. Well, I could have honored God each and every day, reading Scripture, and knowing that with God, “All things are possible.” (Matthew 19: 26), and made him my rock.

Secondly, I could have focused more on my husband, waking up each and every day, asking myself what I could do that day to bring a smile to his face and joy to his heart. I could have taken the time to sit down and talk with him each and every day.

All he had ever really wanted was my time and attention. I was soooo busy with work, housework, scheduling, and life in general that I forgot to be present, in the moment, and simply live life with my partner. Ironically, what I had and lost is what I still crave today: to share life with my partner.

My husband and I didn’t really argue about much, except for the dreaded ‘to do’ list-household chores. Every month I would plug along, until the dreaded week when I could not handle it all, and then I exploded: PLEASE HELP ME! I begged him to help me more around the house. Month after month, year after year, I would blow once a month, expecting different results, and yes, we all know what that is-insanity! What I have since learned is that I was experiencing ‘craziness’ or in other words, perimenopause, and was not sane. My husband told me I needed to go to the doctor, and when I did, they said, your hormones are fine, we can however prescribe you with anti-depressants. I said, ‘NO, I’m not doing that’. I truly believe if I had, we would still be married today. Hindsight is 20:20. How many other marriages are destroyed do to our mid-life body change?

The Five Cs are the Five Keys to a Strong Marriage
What a gift is a solid marriage, the foundation for our children, a means for them to learn the art of marriage. Relationships take work. There is certainly an art, grace, and finesse to being married.

A child who sees love, including respectful arguing and negotiating differences while they grow, can then later emulate that in their own marriage. This is my wish for the world: loving stable families in which children can thrive.

Despite the devastation of divorce, here are what I see as the keys to a happy marriage–my Five Cs:

Christ, Commitment, Communication, Compromise, and Chemistry.

All things are possible with love, time, effort, and energy.

The Importance of Self-care
As I model life for my daughter, I now know the importance of taking care of myself: mind, body, and soul. It gives me the energy to bring home the (turkey) bacon, fry it up in the pan, and clean the dishes too!

Wives and mothers, please remember, we need to put on our own oxygen mask before we can truly assist our children with theirs.

Prior to my divorce, taking care of myself did not fit into my daily schedule. I was barely staying afloat taking care of everyone else. I did not make time for myself. I know that this contributed to our unhappy home.

The gift of our daughter
While at first I did not believe I could live without my husband, I have now accepted that I was with him–my “wusband” or ex-husband–for a season, in order to produce a beautiful, loving human soul.

My daughter would surely not have her amazing heart but for her dad. She was truly gifted to us from God above, a miracle baby. After nursing my husband back from cancer, we tried to have a baby, as he knew that my lifelong dream was to have a daughter.

I am forever grateful that his love for me meant we could share in fulfilling that dream. We tried and tried, but we were told it was not going to happen without medical intervention.

I said to my husband, “OK, we can save money, and “plan” on being inseminated a year from now, allowing me to take time off work when she is born.” No, no, I was not in control. I was pregnant with Autumn Marie by the next month. Truly a miracle, and my first lesson in Divine timing.

God does work miracles.

My Gratitude abounds
Each and every day, I thank the Lord and am eternally grateful that my daughter is in my life. She has taught me so much. I used to have two emotions: happy and angry. She has taught me that there is actually a range of emotions in between. Who knew?

There are so many people for whom I am deeply grateful. I will start with God’s angels on Earth. My mother who helped pay the mortgage until I could sell my house. My manager who helped me back to sanity. My personal trainer who taught me how to love myself and others. My colleague and friend who sent me weekly Bible passages.

I also wish to thank my dear friend who listened to me vent for hours and helped me get into alignment with God and my life purpose. I also thank her husband who purchased a rental home for my daughter and me to live in, and who continues to care for us today. I also deeply appreciate our family friend and nanny, who loves, cares, and prays for my daughter and her mother, whether we are near or far.

Being in Alignment with God’s plans and Divine timing
You see, at the time I honestly could not understand why my soulmate had left me. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Hope is a powerful word–truly life-changing. Not to mention the reality is that relationships require nourishing, and if you do not feed them, they will die.

While I still have the goal to meet and marry my “next husband” to share my journey with, I know in my heart that God will provide in his Divine timing. In the meantime, I have a grateful heart and thankful spirit for all the blessings God and others have provided for my daughter and myself.

I work every day to smile, love, and be kind; to live in the present and focus on those whom I love, including myself. I hope to help others live happily and healthily, as we all need a little help sometimes navigating this thing we call life.

It is by the grace of God that I am living a life of love, working to be present and available to help my daughter navigate her life. Each and every day, I try to touch the heart of those whom I meet by offering a smile–a gift that is free to us all to share.

In this hurried, busy world, my hope is that through small acts of kindness God’s light and love is shared with others. When you are feeling down and in despair, look for God’s beauty around you. Each day when we arise, let us thank the Lord, for it is a new day. Each day we GET the opportunity to choose how we approach it, how we feel about what life presents, and how we react.

The question, “What would Jesus do?” is an excellent gauge or barometer we all can use.

If we are not feeling so kind, not feeling so inclined to turn the other cheek, or wanting to express mean sentiments, we can take a moment and ask ourselves, “Is that what a loving child of God would do?”

Always Remember, You are Love and Loved
This quote has sustained me in so many ways. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).

Want to hear something funny? “316” has been on my license plate for 22 years, and I am just “hearing” it now.

Truly taking the time to pause, be still, meditate, pray, listen to and feel the Holy Spirit will help guide and navigate us all on our life journeys. If we can all strive to love, the world will be a better place. It’s as true now as ever that, “Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in them.” (Ephesians 4:2)

Let’s spread the love–it makes the world go around.

With smiles, love, and kindness,
Denice Marie

You can contact Denice for Divine guidance and inspiration at 303.859.2356.
Facebook: Denice Choka