By Anjela Dermenjyan

Are you crazy!? What’s wrong with you? What has your husband done that’s so bad that you must leave? You could not have asked for a better spouse. He does more than most men. He’s a good provider. He helps you out around the house and with the kids. What more do you want?

This was only some of what I was hearing from my tribe and my family as I contemplated leaving my marriage of 22 years. Those outside-in voices had become my inside-out voices, as thoughts that centered around fear and shame. Yet all these negative voices were not able to drown out a quiet but persistent voice—the voice of my heart.

When I listened to the whisperings of this voice, the voice of the heart, I was able to choose between love and fear. I chose love, and was able to create a new life, one that I love. In time, I became a transformational life coach who helps people lovingly but powerfully navigate their own voices and choices because that’s been part of my story.

The Outside Voices of Fear and Shame
On the brink of leaving my marriage, I was surrounded by the sound of so many voices. They were yelling:

• How can you do this? You don’t even have a job. You think it’s going to be easy getting hired after being out of the workforce for so long? How will you support yourself?

• How will you support your kids? They don’t deserve this. You’re going to ruin their lives!

• You’re being selfish. You’re only thinking about yourself!

• What are people going to say? What are you going to tell them?

These voices were those of my parents, sisters, in-laws, extended family, and others from my tribe. These voices were loud, hurtful, and even debilitating.

One of the most painful voices was my own mother’s, telling me that no one would ever want me again.

I also remember my mother in-law saying to me, “Look around, honey, no one is happy in their relationship.” It was as if she was saying, “How dare you want something more than what the rest of us have? How dare you want something that’s different? So what if we all have our hands on a hot stove? That’s what your mother did, and her mother, and her mother before that.”

Those Outer Voices Had Become my Inner Voices
The voices of my family and tribe came from the outside, but they were also now coming from inside my head, in the form of thoughts, because at the time I believed them. Whether the most hurtful messages came from my specific culture, my tribe, my particular gender, or my specific family does not really matter.

What mattered was that these messages were by now deeply ingrained in my cells.

I believed these inner voices because I was born into a tribal culture where I was told that in order to be loved, accepted, and to have approval, I had to act a certain way and do certain things. I was to marry only within my culture and have kids. So, up to that point, I had spent my entire life in pursuit of their acceptance, their approval, and their love.

I struggled with these internal fear-based and shame-based voices, now my thoughts, for many years.

I wondered if I was being selfish for wanting something good and expansive in my life. My inner voice of shame told me that I did not have a “good enough” reason for leaving the only man I’d ever had in my life. Women and mothers from my background were supposed to sacrifice and do whatever it takes. That’s what I was brought up to do.

But there was more to content with; the all-too-real voices of fear.

My Many Inner Voices of Fear
What was really keeping me in my marriage was fear. I had never lived on my own; I had gone from living with my parents straight to living with my husband.

If I was to leave my marriage, I knew there would be no support for myself and my children. I might not be able to find a job. I might have no money, and the responsibility of providing for my young kids. It was a thousand times easier and more familiar to stay.

Here are some of the many voices of fear that ran through my head as I contemplated leaving:
• My family would no longer love me.
• I would be rejected, abandoned, and ostracized; I’d be an outsider all my life.
• I wouldn’t be able to support myself or make it on my own.
• I would need a man in order to survive, but I’d never find another relationship.
• I would irreparably damage my kids’ lives.

The Voice of My Heart Would Not be Silenced
I had no words at the time to explain to my parents that my soul felt hollow and stagnant, and that I felt like I was dying a slow death. My expansion wasn’t being supported, but I just didn’t have the capacity to be in a marriage that was so heavy and draining, even if it fitted perfectly into the mold of my tribal culture.

Despite all the noise from within and without, there was a still, small voice that came from deep within, the voice of my heart. This voice made practically no sense at the time.

In fact, listening to the voice of my heart felt about as scary as inviting in death. And yet it offered me a choice.

I could choose to listen to those many voices of fear and stay with what was familiar, or I could choose to listen to that inner voice that was almost beyond comprehension—the voice of my heart.

Listening to the Voice of my Heart was Not Easy
I knew that if my kids were ever in the same situation, and came to me for advice, the advice I would give them would be to follow the voice of their heart.

My heart was telling me that I could take a leap to a place where I’d never been before.

I had no idea what it would look like on the other side. I had no idea what would happen to me or my kids, and I would be going against everything I was brought up to believe.

I chose to listen to my heart and I took the biggest leap I had ever taken. I left my marriage of 22 years.

I was on my own for the first time in my life and making my own decisions for the first time. I wish I could say that I woke up the next day feeling empowered, confident, and strong. But the truth is, I did not exactly hit the ground running.

There were days when I felt debilitating fear. I had long given up the part of my life where I could have made practical decisions, such as buying insurance, taking care of my car tires, or making any purchases over $150.

There were days when I felt sad and lost, as I began to realize just how much of myself I had compromised away over the years. There were days when I had to force myself to get out of bed, because I had to—my kids were depending on me.

Untangling, Allowing, and Loving All Voices

Today, I know that leaving my marriage was the best decision for myself and my kids. I have never felt more at ease and more comfortable in my own skin. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited about the future and what’s possible. The relationship I have with my boys has never felt more fun or easy.

What my new life looked like now was a daily untangling from voices that didn’t belong to me, beliefs that didn’t serve me, and the slow discovery of who I really was.

I have now made room for all those voices to be there, for them to come up and be heard, to be acknowledged, and even to be loved.

I recognize that all those voices are a part of me, a part of my lineage. Some of the voices are those of the women that came before me, who made all kinds of sacrifices and compromises that I no longer need to make.

I allow these voices to be felt, looked at, and given the room they previously were denied. I can hold the space for these voices to be heard, and to love them. I can also be a space of creating a new tribe and new culture.

I’m Loving My New Life
Today, I find myself in a place I could never have predicted.

I’m part of a new tribe and new way of being that I’ve consciously chosen. The people in my life sometimes hold greater possibilities for me than I can see for myself. I am held in a loving space that allows me to grow more into my true self every day. My new culture and tribe doesn’t require me to be someone or something else. It does not try to force me into a peg that doesn’t fit. I find myself among a group of people who love me and accept me as I am. And I love that.

Over the years, I studied spirituality, energy healing, and life coaching. As a transformational life coach, I am able to help people lovingly navigate their own voices in order to make the best choices for themselves, drawing on my own life experiences and skills.

If you feel like there the voice of the heart is trying to come through, or you feel like there is something more that you’re wanting to access and would like some support, I would be honored to guide you.

About Anjela Dermenjyan
Take one human being. Add a passion for learning and for discovering Truth, three decades of studying self-mastery, the Law of Attraction, energy healing, and various spiritual teachers. Sprinkle in certificates in reconnective healing, life coaching, and a Bachelors in Fine Arts. Mix in 22 years of marriage, three kids, a divorce, and diverse life experiences. Then combine this with a lot of common sense and a passion for inspiring and helping people. The result is Anjela Dermenjyan.

Anjela is known for her simple, practical spirituality, and her down-to-earth presence. Her mission is to inspire people to become more of themselves. Through simple dialogue, she helps people expand their awareness, shift their perspective, and discover their own solutions to life’s challenges. She loves supporting people who are consciously creating their own lives.

As a transformational life coach, Anjela has an individualized approach where she combines her background in fashion design with her life-long studies to provide transformation, both on the inside and the outside. She also leads manifestation workshops.

Email: anjela@sbcglobal.net