Embracing Grief and Moving Forward

By Dr. Ruth Anderson

There is no doubt, if you live long enough, you are going to lose people that you love and adore. In my lifetime, I have lost four grandparents, three aunts and uncles, two cousins, four in-laws, both parents, two best friends, and a handful of friends and work acquaintances. I know that my numbers of lost loved ones is small compared to those of many others. I am not comparing. My sympathies for your losses.

I never gave much thought about my relationships and how I tend to compartmentalize conversations with different people. If I wanted to talk about my daughters, I called my mother. If I was seeking advice, I called Sylvia. If I wanted to commiserate about the happenings in the world, I would sit with my father.

The other day I wanted to call my friend Linda to share my latest news. Then I remembered that Linda passed away in July. Her transition was planned, but somehow it still shocks me that she is no longer here. So many times I have wanted to reach out to her and felt a Linda-sized hole in my heart when I went to pick up the phone.

As more and more of my loved ones are finishing their lives in the 3-D, I find that I have more and more holes in my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have people to talk to, I do. But I do need to readjust who I talk to about what, and make space for other new friends to come in.

There are so many people that have lost a loved one and so many people who are experiencing tremendous grief. My guess is that we would be hard-pressed to find someone who has not lost a loved one. Aren’t we all in that space of trying to readjust in order to fill the holes in our hearts?

And no, no one can replace Sylvia, Cliff, or Grandma. But that doesn’t mean that I should stop being open to love. While the natural tendency might be to focus on the holes that only those that have died can fill, I know I am happiest when I am connecting with my loved ones who are still alive.

At some point I will surpass the tipping point and will have more loved ones in the ethereal realm than I do here in the 3-D. I suppose being in my 60s, this is bound to happen. My goal is to live to a ripe old age and still have people surrounding my deathbed. As many of my friends and relatives are older than me, in order for that to happen, I need to continue to make friends and fall in love with people that I have not even met yet.

I promise to treat myself with loving grace while I grieve, while encouraging myself to keep reaching out and finding new friends to help fill my heart.  While I am healthy and able, I will enlarge what is left of my social circle and promise myself to allow others in. How about you?  Why not help yourself to heal from loss while filling the hole in someone else’s heart at the same time? After all, the world might feel like a different place if everyone had someone to love.